Today I think I finally accepted a side of mine that I have been neglecting. I was about to meet up a guy from an online dating site in foolish hopes that it would materialise into something worth while…purposefully blinding myself to the fact that he was just looking for a hook up. I almost fell into that trap of misconstrued hopes and put up my heart into yet another vulnerable position. But this morning when I woke up , after a night of hard core sobbing that left my body numb, my defense mechanism somehow kicked in and I said, no, NO MORE. I’m not going to let my heart be bruised again, I’m not going to let anyone near it unless they are going to hold it like its a delicate, fragile , precious crystallized jewel. 

I’m not being conceited in ascribing that value to myself, it’s true, my heart is will that valuable to the right guy, and right now he is out there just blithely unaware of my existence and thats probably because he is not prepared for that responsibility. 

I’m sending him vibes that it’s okay if you’re not ready yet, I’m not going to let my impatience for you change how I treat my heart and that I am willing to wait to it to be treated right. No More letting clumsy dumb careless fools near my heart…mending what’s broken takes far too long and my immune system is weakening so i’m going to leave it in a vault of all things soft and wonderful and locked in there till the the new location its supposed to move to with him is ready. 

saw the moon sink by the second

silhouettes turned into shades

shadows shifted aside.

saw the moon sink slowly tonight.

such a pretty sight. 

Anonymous asked: Have you done tumblrdatinggame(.)com yet?

not yet..is it any good?

it’s been a while since i left a word out for some strangers to read…i think its because there is sense of restlessness that has overcome me all over again. the fear of the unknown is at its best right now. just finished college and am about to leave my country again for the states for another year, just this time it’s not so simple. its a year long adventure ahead but instead of a dorm room i’ll have an apt and instead of a campus, a neighborhood, and instead of a caf…a kitchen. all so exciting, but so nerve-racking as well!

not to mention, that after another 4 year long period, i am single again…not knowing where you’re going, who you’re going to meet, is freaking me out a little. in an attempt to be self righteous, i ended things with a lovely guy because i didn’t think i would be able to fall in love with him…and also because i was with him so that i had something familiar ans safe in this new life of mine…also i was about to use him to help me move in…which didn’t feel right.

even when you do something that you know is not wrong… for some reason, the haunting aspect of it doesn’t seem to give two shits about it…not to mention, you go into this swirling vortex of ex-experiences, wondering what went wrong, or if it was wrong to begin with or if maybe you’re bitter…or maybe, you’re just 21 so take it easy.

i’ve noticed that every time a new chapter begins in my life, i go down memory lane, nitpicking on everything i could have done or avoided or fixed…and there are some people from the discarded past who i wish to have a “chance encounter” with in the near future so that they can see me again..and perhaps the readjustments that come with time will make things more…convenient and simple. 

people tell me i need closure. and i’ve gotten that, in my own way.  but i think its being hopeful and optimistic that fucks you over a little…leaving you up till 6 in the morning, going through pictures of someone you had a thing with as far back as may 2009…

and even though your heart and your mind combined are telling you, no no, it wasn’t right and none of the other ones were either… the one has yet to come..you can’t help be curious or hopeful, or at least, im having a real problem with that…

sigh, well, despite the complex imaginary (jewel studded, hopelessly romantic, foolish) dichotomy in my head…

i’m trying to make more and more space for “my person”…wherever you are, know that even though you are out there doing your thing…someone on the other side of the globe  is up and thinking of having you with her…sharing her everything. know that once you come into my life, that i will love you forever and i have been waiting and looking and will cherish you…and even if takes a few more detours or wrong turns or anything…i won’t lose hope in trying to find you. with every failed attempt, i feel as if im getting closer to you, even if you already came and left my life, or have no clue about my existence i will welcome you with my everything. 

it’s been a while since i’ve felt this way..and its nerve racking and exciting and intimidating but still leaving me very hopeful and ready for another risky chapter all over again. all. over. again.